( Cut for descriptions of Ash injuring herself/other people injuring Ash in a possibly comical manner )
( Cut for descriptions of Ash injuring herself/other people injuring Ash in a possibly comical manner )
As in, freaked-out-in-the-middle-of-the-dining-
1.) Study for BCS 172 exam next week.
2.) Study for PSY exam next week.
3.) Organize make-up work for DAN 209.
4.) Go to aunt's house. Retrieve banking information and Oxiclean. Also, running shoes.
5.) Organize LIN 110 notes.
6.) At some point, do laundry.
7.) Fold said laundry and put away.
8.) At some point, go work out.
9.) At some point, eat.
10.) Before 12:30 am, go sleep.
Cue frenzied search for pants.
After staggering in to Linguistics class (five minutes early! I even had time to find a seat I liked!) I sat through an hour-and-a-half lecture about the International Phonetic Alphabet; the notes I took consisted of a drawing of a giraffe smoking a cigar and an anatomically incorrect rendering of a nude picture I'd found on 4chan.
Midway through the lecture my stomach reminded me I hadn't eaten by growling loudly and inappropriately in five-minute intervals. The girl who was sitting next to me alternated between shooting me amused looks and giggling whenever this happened.
After Linguistics class I wandered back over to the bookstore and tried to return a textbook for a class that I'd dropped a couple of days ago. The bookstore clerk gave me an unimpressed stare when I told him I'd lost the receipt for the textbook; after a minute or so of my most pathetic puppy-dog eyes, though, he relented and said he'd accept the return if I submitted a copy of the purchase from my credit history along with my Add/Drop slip within the week. Triumphant, I returned to the dorms to search for my credit history online…
And then realized that I'd forgotten my online bank account password. After frantically going through my files and almost completely trashing my side of the room, I was forced to conclude that I'd need to call the bank to reset my net password. I called the bank and…
Found out it was closed for the day.
Cue punching of wall.
Ever resilient, I resolved to not let this complete clusterfuck of incompetence ruin my day; I went with my friends down to the dining hall and went to work out at the gym afterwards. After running and working on the weights for an hour-and-a-half, I was walking down the stairs to the lockers when I looked through a window and saw…
People practicing karate!
Excitedly, I ran in to the room and asked if they'd let me sit in on their class. The sensei, a nice graduate student called Kate, allowed me to participate. I got to kick and punch to my heart's content for an hour, after which I happily exchanged phone numbers with some of the other students. It was then that I realized that I'd been at the gym for three hours and it was snowing outside.
This is the first time someone I was friends with died. I feel numb, a little. It's hard to think that he's gone. There's a hole in the universe he should have filled with his presence, and it feels like I'm getting punched in the stomach every time I open up my email and his username is the first thing that pops up in my chat box. I can't bring myself to delete it; whenever I move my mouse over the chat box his picture pops up. He's staring right at the camera in this photo; eyes crossed, tongue out, completely un-self-conscious like he always was.
I miss him.
My friends online and in real-life have been wonderfully supportive, and I'm extremely happy that I know such amazing people. I'm getting my life back on track, bit by bit. Classes haven't let up at all; it's a relief, almost, to lose myself in the work.
Winter has hit Rochester hard this year; every time I step out of the dorms it's like getting punched repeatedly in the face with an angry snowball. I'm looking forward to spring, and new beginnings.
Rest in peace, Jeffrey. You were smart and funny and kind; no one was beneath your notice--there wasn't a trace of arrogance in you, though you had the right to be. You had two scholarships to study abroad, you were on the track and field team, and you had grand plans for the future. You would have changed the world, and I would have been proud to have said that I knew you when you appeared on the front page of Times. I stole your hat once and wore it all class, just because I could--you smiled and laughed at me. I wanted more time with you--everyone who met you did. You drew people in. You weren't afraid to laugh at yourself, and none of your jokes ever held any sting.
You sat behind me in debate class--one desk to the left, diagonally. You talked with me in person and online; you weren't afraid to talk with anybody you felt like, no matter what your friends said or thought. I will miss you every day, and you will always be in my thoughts.
I stayed up till 5 am last night (today? eh) getting my second-to-last paper done, and woke up at around 1 pm today. When I did so, my feelings were as thus:
However! I've signed up for a Theater in England seminar, which starts the day after Christmas and goes on for two weeks--during that time, my classmates and I will be seeing 21 plays in the glorious city of London! So I have that to look forward to. Now I just have to get to London on an airplane in one piece, and not accidentally end up in Hawaii or South Africa. (You think I am joking, but this is an honest concern. I have been known to get lost in the strangest, most pathetic sorts of instances).
Anyways! Ten pages, with breaks in between to update owed logs and tags! YAYSCHOOLREADYSETGO
I'm going on a mass family vacation with my aunts, uncles, and little cousins to Vietnam on July 22nd! We're going to be doing a whole country tour and staying in old pre-war era hotels! My wimpy little Northeastern hide will be subjected to the terror that is the tropical climate and mosquito nets. I will be getting a digital camera and taking SO MANY PICTURES IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY.
THERE WERE EXPLOSIONS AND BRIGHTLY-COLORED-MOVING-FAST OBJECTS THAT MAY HAVE BEEN PEOPLE OR POSSIBLY JUST FLYING SPORTS CARS AND THEN STUFF HAPPENED AND DON CHEADLE/ROADIE GOT A SEXYSUIT/IRON MAN SUIT AND THEN HE AND TONY STARK BLEW MORE SHIT UP AND THEN---
SCARLETT JOHANSSEN IN A CATSUIT OKAY I'M DONE I'M DEAD I DIED. DEAD DEAD DEAD. AND THEN SHE PULLED BADASS NINJA LUCHA LIBRE MOVES AND PWNED EVERYONE AND MY BRAIN
and then there was Gwyneth Paltrow in a really tight skirt that only starving midget refugee children could fit in, wearing heels supposedly bigger than Iron Man's dick, but no one really cared about that.
AND THEN MORE SHIT BLEW UP AND I WAS HAPPY AGAIN.
THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PLOT INVOLVED IN THE MAKING OF THIS MOVIE, BUT I CARE NOT FOR TRIVIAL MATTERS LIKE THAT.
THIS MOVIE SAILS MY BOAT. OR FLOATS MY BOAT. I AM NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHICH SAYING IS SEMANTICALLY CORRECT, BUT TONY STARK CAN SAIL MY BOAT ANY TIME, BABY.
The choices. They burn.
I'm in one of those surly moods where I hate absolutely everything and everyone for no apparent reason.
A recent text conversation between my boyfriend and I went like this:
BF: Wanna go out 2 lunch on Sat?
Me: I h8 ur face
Me: No. Go away. I don't liek n e 1 n e more.
BF: R u in 1 of ur strange moods again?
Me: UR PARENTS WERE SIBLINGS
BF: Rite. So no lunch on Sat then.
Everything's just so annoying sometimes. -____- It's like I'd rather be anywhere but here, except then I wouldn't like that place either.
I need to go punch someone. That always makes me feel better.
THERE'S SO MUCH OF IT.
EVERYTHING GOT CANCELLED BECAUSE THERE
ASDLGKASHGWOIR MAKE IT GO AWAY.
Well. On Saturday, I had to go help dig my friend out of her driveway. It was slow going, because I kept on getting distracted and sitting down to take a break.
Stranded!Friend: *peers meaningfully at me, then at the snow blocking her car.* You know, some people actually need to get out of their driveways to get to a paying job on time.
Me: *Making snow angel* You know, some people are just too cheap to contract a snowplowing company to GET them out of their driveways on time, and are reduced to asking their starving college friends to help their skinflint asses.
Stranded!Friend: *brandishes shovel in a vaguely threatening manner*
Me: I have a black belt, you know.
Stranded!Friend: Ask me if I care, Frosty. *Dumps shovel full of snow on me*
So of course there had to be a snowball fight to restore my damaged honor. And Stranded!Friend turned out to have a black-belt in Snow Fort-fu, much to my chagrin. Needless to say that no one got to work on time that day.
It's been a hectic couple of weeks. the weather, which has been grey and stormy and cold, did absolutely nothing to help. First of all, my laptop got infected with spyware. Again. I'd never realized how attached I was to the Internet until I started suffering from withdrawal symptoms in the middle of class. Pah.
For Valentine's Day I sent a handmade card to my mother, and went on a group Laser Tag date with my boyfriend and another couple. for those of you who don't know what Laser Tag is, it's where they strap you into a vest with sensors attached to the front, back and shoulders. You're given a laser gun that shoots (duh) lasers, and you score points depending on where you hit another player's sensors. (That sounded dirty...)
Because Laser Tag is, surprisingly, NOT the venue of choice for most couples on Valentine's Day, my group found ourselves alone in the LaserQuest building except for a birthday party full of fifteen or so elementary-school kids. Okay, I though, so we'll be facing off against these guys. No problem. I'll just go easy on them and everyone will have fun, right?
Dear god, it was like Lord of the Flies on crack.
These kids knew flanking maneuvers, okay. It was like being stalked through a glow-in-the-dark jungle by fifteen little Rambos. They had a point man and a rear guard and sentries. Since my boyfriend was the tallest person in the room, the little Devil-Children aimed for him first. We never had a chance. These children made me feel fear.
When the game was over, the score stood as thus: My team, 200 points. The little Devil-Children, 290 points.
The future of my country's military is in safe hands. Thank the entertainment industry for the slew of violent war games, Uncle Sam.
I am never playing Laser Tag again.
As you may have guessed, the dream starts with me looking in a mirror and admiring my new facial hair. It looks my uncle's handlebar moustache, except less gray and peppery. I'm hyperventilating with worry and perhaps a little bit of a spaz attack, because hello female sprouting a beard.
In the dream my mother comes in and is helpful in her own special brand of helpful by saying, "Well, we can always bleach it.""
My father, in my dream who is just conveniently right behind my mother, just shakes his head and sighs. Not so different in real life.
It's when I wander outside, though, that things start taking a turn for the worse.
The entire campus is out enjoying the sun in my dream, and as one they all turn and stare at me. Everything is silent.
Then they all start screaming.
Cue a massive rush of panicked people away from the strange Asian girl with facial hair. Sometimes people scream, "Yeti!" And other times they just scream. People I know and like are in the crowd. My boyfriend. My friends. My professors. Sometimes Brad Pitt.
Once, after a conversation with Ki in which she showed me all these martial arts videos, the muay Thai star Tony Jaa was in there too. He was shirtless. :D That was fun.
Then, usually, a well-meaning citizen comes up to me with a shaver/ razor/industrial-sized shears/meat cleaver and offers to "take care of that strange thing on your face".
This is usually when I scream to high heaven and jolt awake, flailing in bed and falling off.
I think I need a therapist. I had this dream again last night. Adrien Brody was in it this time. *mournful* He was wearing a suit, too.
Please do not let that low throbbing feeling be your way of telling me me you're getting sick. I have a date on Friday (my birthday yay), and if you insist on being uncooperative I will stuff you full of Pepto-Bismol and go anyways. I will even put on the ridiculously corset-like Little Black Dress, just to spite you.
If you do not stop aching right the fuckdammnit now I will bang you against a wall until you stop. Yes, I know I'm not being as nice to you as I was to Stomach. That's because you've been getting me into trouble lately. (Why the hell would you forget that the car keys were in the fruit basket anyway, huh?)
Please don't give up on me now. I'm typing possibly the best thesis I have ever done and you are not helping by twinging the way you do. You wanna go see Mr. D the wonderful massage therapist? Ok, we'll go see Mr. D the wonderful massage therapist. Just don't die on me before Friday. I will bribe you with a manicure.
My birthday's coming up in a couple weeks. 20, anyone? Heh.
I'm just feeling restless, lately. Like...I need to go out and do things but I don't actually know what things they are. It is strange.
In other words, I'm kinda twitchy.
i didn't even know until today.
i saw the article in the local paper. he was still in high school. my old high school.
i used to see him all the time around town. walking, walking, walking, always walking. his mother worked at my university. she had died of cancer a few years back so he always acted sort of odd.
but he was constant. at the same time every day, i'd see him on the same street walking with his little plastic backpack and his pants too short ending at his ankles. hair unkempt, striding down the sidewalk like he had places to go and people to see.
i used to make fun of that. funny kid, with his too-short khakis and baggy plaid shirts. but he was smart. he was going places. he had a group of friends and he knew what he wanted.
then he died.
i'm still in shock right now. i don't know what to do. it's hitting my brother hard, too. the kid was in his math class. but he's handling it better than i am, right now.
he was too young.
rest in peace, henry. i hope you found your mom, and you're in a better place. wherever that is.
I am muddled.
Winter never ends over here. There’s just white snow grey slush howling wind. The sky has no color and hangs close overhead like an unwelcome stranger. Everywhere is cold everyone is cold. Shouting and screaming in the halls, shouting and screaming in the house. Everybody is tense, drawn, pale, tired of stepping on each other’s toes and dignity. It is suffocating and I want to see the sun again.
The sun came out today and the snow melted in roaring rivers and streams. My best friend smiled for the first time in a long time and it’s easier to laugh now. My brother still gives me hugs when he thinks no one is looking. I managed to punch my sensei in the face two times and got complimented for it. I read a poem that made me laugh.
I took a walk today and I thought I heard birdsong.